is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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