matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
