i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
