I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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