Im at strip club and am horny
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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