she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
