what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
