Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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