Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
