we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
