Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That accounts for only three of the penises
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
