I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
