i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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