I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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