He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize