yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
