I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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