totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
