I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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