"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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