If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
