i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
