I accidentally had phone sex last night
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
