its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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