the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
