she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
