I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize