I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
