it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
