After last night, I could never be a politician.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
