Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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