The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
