he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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