Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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