i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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