im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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