You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
