he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
