I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm like, not good at living.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
