I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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