where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
