Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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