u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
