Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
