all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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