We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
