dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
