You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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