Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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