Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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