Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
