the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Randomize
