Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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