omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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