i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We don't watch enough power rangers
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
