It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
