Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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