my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
