Swine flu is the new snow day.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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