At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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