I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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