Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Porn is love you can see.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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