You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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