I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
