By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
