hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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