It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
