I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
