my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We need a shit load of segways right now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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